


i can fool the world

by potahtopotato



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack-ish, Detective Work, Gen, Humor, Interviews, Not really that mysterious, Notebook format, Sort-of Mystery, not as angsty as the title sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 07:01:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potahtopotato/pseuds/potahtopotato
Summary: A mysterious person is parading around Hogwarts pretending to be Dumbledore, and a twelve-year old Charlie Weasley is on the case.





	i can fool the world

_The problem was that no one knew who the fake Dumbledore was. He would appear, seemingly out of nowhere, have a conversation with a Hogwarts inhabitant, and, just as the student or teacher would realize that something was off, completely disappear._

_It was absolutely ridiculous, all the more so because the fake Dumbledore never harmed anyone. He talked about socks, the benefits of cinnamon in various stews, and occasionally handed out cryptic bits of advice. In short: nothing out of the usual. He even had the twinkle in his eyes down, perfect to the last detail._

_Charlie Weasley, who was in his second year at the time and who was planning to become an Auror (that specialized in cases involving magical creatures), decided that this would be the first mystery he'd solve in a long and illustrious career. He consulted his older brother Bill briefly about the matter and possible dangers he might face, but as the latter just laughed at him he decided that he could go alone._

_The following are excerpts from the notebook of Charles Weasley.  
_

 

**November 5: Fake Dumbledore Strikes Again**

The Fake Dumbledore (FD) struck again today. This time the victim was a young girl who was highly traumatized by the course of events. I used a Quick-Notes Quill to record the interview in the aftermath of the event.

Charles Weasley: So, I understand this was a highly traumatizing course of events for you?

Patricia Wallace: Why do you keep saying "traumatizing course of events"?

CW: I didn't have my pen out before, so now I have to say it again.

PW: Oh, okay. Wait, the whole thing?

CW: Well, we have to record it, don't we? This is a criminal investigation!

PW: If you say so.

CW: No, not if I say so! It really is!

PW: What do you want from me? I've got to get to class.

CW: Nevermind. Nevermind.

Clearly, that was not my best interview. I'll have to get used to it, though, for when I keep a journal so that later someone can write a book about all the interesting things I've done.

More importantly (I guess): the FD remains at large. I asked around, and after they stopped yelling at me to stop bothering them some Seventh Years told me that they hadn't seen any Dumbledores at all, whether real or fake.

November 17: No Progress

FD refuses to make another move, and I've got a load of Charms homework and no excuse not to do it. Wherever he is, I would advise FD to do something interesting, hopefully at some point in the next fifty years, before I shrivel up and die.

**November 31: FD Finally Does Something!**

According to sources, Pomona Sprout was today accosted by FD, who wanted to know long it takes [insert plant] to grow to its full size. Professor Pomona Sprout says that she had a perfectly pleasant conversation with him and that she only realized that he was fake when he sneezed and his voice rose several pitches. Here is the interview, conducted at the scene of crime (Professor Sprout's office).

Charles Weasley: Could you describe to me the traumatizing course of events that took place on, er, November 31st of the year 1984?

Professor Sprout: Of course. It was just after dinner, and I was walking to my rooms for a quick— that is, I had to grade some papers. I was in the hallway, you know the one with all the odd dragon tapestries that sometimes breathe fire?

CW, forgetting about this transcript and writing down "dragons" on the back of his Herbology assignment: Of course, of course.

PS: I was walking through at a nice brisk pace— I'm getting old but not that old, you know— when I saw Dumbledore rounding the corner. We talked for a bit—

CW, interrupting: What did he say? Wait, I'm not supposed to interrupt— just tell me what he said exactly.

PS: I'm not exactly sure. There was some discussion of dinner, he asked whether I liked the pumpkin juice—

CW, interrupting again: I bet he poisoned it! I bet everyone who drank it is going to go into— convulsions, and things, and fits, right now!

PS: While I'm sure I'm finding this visit delightful, I do have an awful lot of essays to mark. Do you think you could finish the investigation tomorrow?

CW: No, I've got to get it while the details are still fresh in your mind! One last question, please.

PS, sighing a little: Alright.

CW: Would you say that you felt threatened, intimidated, or otherwise traumatized by the horrific course of recent events?

PS: Not at all.

CW: Not even a little bit?

PS: He was very polite, except when he sneezed and his nose slid down his face a little and he had to fix it back on.

CW, growing excited: His— his nose? What do you mean, slid down his face?

PS: Oh, did I forget to tell you? At one point he sneezed, and his voice went up about three octaves and his face got smaller for just a second, and then he stopped sneezing and went back to normal.

CW: It wasn't an adult, then?

PS: I think it was either an underclassman boy or a girl, actually.

CW: Wow! This is great! That's almost than half of Hogwarts sorted out, that's brilliant, thanks!

PS: Good luck with your investigation, Charlie. Oh, would you like a biscuit?

CW, accepting the biscuit: Don't tell anyone, alright? Because investigators aren't supposed to associate with their victims.

PS: Of course not. And if you ever have any questions about Herbology, I'm always happy to help.

So! It's a girl then, or a small boy, but Professor Sprout did say that she thought the sneeze sounded, somehow, girl-like. Whoever it is probably goes to Hogwarts because I asked Bill and he said the wards are too good to let anyone else in, and also don't I have anything better to do with my time. Now all I need to do is make a list of every girl that goes to Hogwarts and interview them all.

**November 21: Investigations are Hard**

I've been yelled at by four separate girls on four separate occasions, and someone hexed my quill so that here are all the notes I have from the meeting with one of the girls in Gryffindor.

Charles Weasley: I understand that you are beautiful and gracious and talented and better than me in almost every way?

Olivia Brown: That's very kind of you.

CW: So, how do you feel about the highly traumatizing— hey! What did you do to my quill? Why is it writing that you are gorgeous beyond the understanding of human nature, a goddess among men and women alike! You are the—

OB: Hey, it was just getting good.

CW: I'm trying to run a serious investigation here, you know. This is serious! And you keep seducing me with your clear, non acne-covered skin and luscious hair the color of peaches in a rose sunset on the banks of—

Why does no one seem to recognize this as a problem? All the girls in Hogwarts are still suspects, and a lot of the boys too now that I think about it. I've just had a thought— what if it's me, only I've been poisoned so I can't remember doing it? It's probably the pumpkin juice. Oh, speaking of pumpkin juice I had a stomachache that day but Madam Pomfrey wouldn't give me any medicine, she said something about placebo. Well, I don't know what kind of potion placebo is but I almost threw up, except then Sebastian got some food from the kitchens up to Gryffindor tower and I felt better.

I shall continue thinking of ways to do interviews without getting yelled at or hexed. My quill still isn't working, by the way, I've had to write this entire entry out by hand.

**Saturday, October 8: FD Strikes Me**

You will never believe it, but today I became the newest victim of FD! I went outside because I wanted to use my new plan for making the Giant Squid come out of the lake (it didn't work, by the way; apparently squids have no sense of smell), and as I was walking around the lake I saw Dumbledore.

I was a little nervous intimidated in awe, because I've never actually talked to him before, but he just asked me about how I was liking Hogwarts so far, and he knew my name. Which is a clue! It means that it's a girl (or up to 4th year boy) who knows me, which doesn't leave that many people. Yes!

Anyway, I said that I was going to be Auror and he nodded and said "it is the things that scare us most that are in the end significant" which was confusing but sounded very wise at the time.

And then he said that he was going to check on Professor Sprout's Devil's Snare and I realized that he must be fake and sort of yelled at him a little bit and tried to use a Body-Bind but he just ran away and when I ran after him there was a group of Hufflepuff girls and no Dumbledores.

I interviewed the victim of this highly traumatizing event:

Charles Weasley: How do you feel about this highly traumatizing event?

Charles Weasley: I feel highly traumatized, thank you.

CW: And why is that?

CW: Well, if you don't even know that Dumbledore is Dumbledore, do you really know anything at all?

CW: My thoughts exactly!

CW: Good luck with your investigation. I know you'll catch him (or her)!

CW: Thank you for your cooperation and assistance.

So I think I'm going to start carrying this spray around. It's called Sneeze Spray and my little brothers Fred and George invented it. They're actually very clever, but they always pretend they're not. Anyway, next time I see FD I'll make him sneeze (his only known weakness) and then figure out who it is.

**October 23: FD Exposed (Kind Of)**

I figured it out! I figured it out! I, Charles Weasley, figured everything out! With no help from Bill OR anyone else, I might add. And I WILL add it because it's true! So ha.

I was patrolling the hallways, just walking around after dinner which I've been doing for the past couple weeks (it gets boring but the threat must be stopped at all costs), and I saw FD again, looking Dumbledorey as always. I knew it wasn't him, though, because I'd just seen the real Dumbledore at dinner, and that one was definitely real because— well, I was pretty sure he was real.

I walked up to him and pretended that I didn't know who he was (even though I totally did) and asked him about the Halloween feast. He started saying something about Hagrid's pumpkins, but I'm not sure what he was going to say because then I sprayed him with the Sneeze Spray.

He sneezed and his face did that weird thing and then I sort of jumped on him because I wasn't sure what else to do and he looked very surprised and then his beard disappeared and his hair got brown and he turned into Nymphadora Tonks. She's a Hufflepuff girl in my year, and I realized that I was sitting on top of her around one second after she realized that I was sitting on top of her. It was really awkward and I sort of wanted to die and it took me a minute before I remembered that I'd actually solved the mystery and caught the criminal.

I took out my Quick-Notes Quill (which Bill fixed by the way; thanks Bill) and recorded the interview (conducted after I'd gotten off of her and we went to the Quidditch pitch to talk):

Charles Weasley: Please state your name for the record.

Nymphadora Tonks: Tonks.

CW: No, your full name.

NT: I'd really prefer if you called me Tonks.

CW: But— alright then. So, Tonks, why did you commit the crimes of which you are accused?

NT: I thought it'd be funny.

CW: And was it funny to traumatize the students of Hogwarts for almost three months?

NT: It was hilarious, mate.

CW, uncertainly: Oh. And, er, how did you do it?

NT, changing her appearance: Well, I'm a Metamorphamagus, which means that I can change my appearance to look like, say, you.

CW, surprised: That's— that's me. You're me.

NT: Yep!

CW: So are sneezes your fatal flaw?

NT: They do cause me to lose concentration. I'm getting better, though.

CW: Okay. Er, thanks for the interview.

NT: No problem. Oh, could you not go around telling people it was me? I'd prefer not to have everyone know.

CW: Yeah, okay. I can do that.

NT: Thanks! Much obliged.

So I have to keep it a secret, but that's alright because I figured it out. Also, Tonks sat next to me in class this morning, which isn't important actually, nevermind.

This investigation is hereby and officially concluded.


End file.
